


The Right Kind of Clean

by Jett



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Far Future, M/M, OCD, PTSD, Rituals and obsessions, Smut in the far far future, Support Group, learning how to cope, seriously far, whatever else you want to tag this as
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-12-03
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:40:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jett/pseuds/Jett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi suffers from OCD, a debilitating and life-consuming disorder that hinders his ability to maintain normal relationships. He agonizes over the potential for his friends and coworkers to become sick, so he cleans and cleans and cleans. Levi is barely clinging onto normalcy when he meets Eren in a support group, who suffers from PTSD. Eren tries to help Levi overcome his rituals, but he'll find that it's not so simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have researched the absolute shit out of OCD for this fic. If you know someone who has OCD or if you have OCD and want to share anything with me, correct me, yell at me, that is 100% okay. I get a little annoyed that everyone has taken Levi's meticulousness from the manga/anime and blown it up by saying he has OCD. Here is what he would really be with OCD, and it isn't pretty. The thoughts he has toward the end are a little...abrupt, but it's supposedly another type of obsession to have (I didn't know that until I researched it!).
> 
> Anyway, feel free to give me feedback on whether or not anyone would even read this. It's kind of just an experiment and it's definitely going to take me awhile to update. This first chapter is in Levi's POV but the rest will mostly be in Eren's because writing all Levi's rituals was tedious as hell. Also, Levi is well aware that his rituals are a little ridiculous, but the fear of the consequences forces him to do them anyway.
> 
>  
> 
> ENOUGH RAMBLING FROM ME.

Wake up.

This was the fantastic time in Levi’s morning where the obsessions hadn’t yet crept into his mind, so he had no need to perform the slew of rituals he had to overcome the thoughts. He stroked the covers on the bed as he allowed his blissfully unburdened mind to wander to areas it usually didn’t get to and- oh here we go.

_I’ve got to clean the bathroom, I just know it’s filthy and what if Hanji comes over and touches something and then touches her mouth and she gets sick and dies. Jesus, I need to shower and I need to brush my teeth because what if I’m talking to her and she catches something from me because I didn’t brush my teeth?_

 Levi threw back the covers angrily and stalked toward the bathroom. He got to the threshold of the door and tapped the side of the frame. Pausing, he tapped it three more times with an equal amount of time between each tap.

“Four,” he announced loudly when the final tap is completed. He shook his head and walked into the bathroom. Reaching his hand out to where the light switch is, he flicked it up and then flicked it down again. He repeated this three more times.

“This damn light bulb is going to burn out in a minute if I don’t stop this shit,” he growled as he repeated another set of four. As he finished the fourth flick, the light bulb crackled and the bathroom turned dark. He sighed and turned to the toilet to pee. He cringed when a little toilet water splashed up onto the rim as he flushed and he hurriedly grabbed the nearby spray bottle of bleach and wiped down the entire rim of the toilet. Walking over to the sink to wash his hands, he realized how cracked they are getting, but he’d have to worry about that later because he needed to stay on track. Washing his hands, once, twice, three times, four times, finally they were done and he’d spent about ten minutes washing them. He turned to the max power air dryer he had and ran his hands under it. Tapping the frame four times before exiting, he headed out of the bathroom and walked over to a small notepad lying on the entry table. He jotted down “ _light bulb_ ” before turning into the kitchen area and making some breakfast. He made sure to flick the light four times just to be sure it worked. This bulb wouldn’t burn out so easily because it was LED so it would just get dimmer and dimmer over time. Hopefully Erwin would pick up another one of those when he went out later.

Frying a few eggs took no time at all, but as Levi slid them onto a freshly washed plate, he realized that he had to clean the skillet he used even though it was still flaming hot. He gingerly turned on the cold water and ran it over the pan. A hiss of steam rushed up toward his face and he quickly dodged being burnt. Once the skillet was cool, he furiously scraped and scrubbed at every available surface until the steel was shining painfully into his eyes. Satisfied, he hung the pot back up on its hook and ate his eggs over the sink in case any missed his mouth.

When breakfast was finished, he cleaned the fork and the plate and placed them in the dish rack. He sighed knowing that the tedious task of going through his bathroom ritual was looming, but the growing anxiety that his teeth were dirty was forcing him to confront it as he walked into the bathroom. With a flick of the light switch he remembered that he burnt out the fucking bulb so he would just have to deal with the feeling of flicking instead of seeing the light. He grabbed the toothbrush out of the cleaner before squirting a precise cube of toothpaste on it and ran the toothbrush along his gums and teeth.

After rinsing his mouth with water, he inspected his teeth and decided they weren’t clean enough so he brushed them again. He must’ve done a good job on the second round, because he deemed them clean enough to forego subsequent brushings, which was a little unusual. It was okay that he didn’t do it four times because two is a factor of four so that worked out to be alright. The bathroom routine always took the most time and Levi has been recently trying to cut down on the huge slice of time it took out of his day. He quickly jumped in the shower and spent a good twenty minutes just scrubbing down his hair and body. This shower wasn’t as important as the one he takes at night, so he didn’t worry too much about meticulously cleaning every single part of his body.

Finished with that, he tapped the frame and went into his bedroom to put on clothes. The light in here was also LED, so he wondered why the hell Erwin hadn’t put an LED one in the bathroom when that was the light he flicked the most. Musings aside, he opened the closet doors and stared at the clothes arranged within. Each hanger went the same way, the clothes were evenly spaced and all the clothes were facing toward the right. He picked out his outfit and quickly got dressed before letting out a shaky breath.

Currently, he was struggling with the fact that he had purposely not flossed or rinsed four times with mouthwash, but Hanji had told him that these were not as necessary as brushing but he had to do it. He took a tentative step toward the bathroom and felt the anxiety ease a little. He made a split second decision to try the therapy shit later because he couldn’t cope with this level of BS. Dashing into the bathroom, he flicked the switch in vain before heaving out a pained sigh. He grabbed the economy size package of spearmint floss, rolled out a strand and began wiggling the string in between his tooth. Here was where the bathroom routine became a little out of control. The space between each tooth had to be flossed twice, then after he was completely finished he checked to make sure they were up to his standards and he would redo it if they were not. This could go on for hours. The longest he could remember doing it was for four hours and his gums had been bleeding so badly by the time he was finished that he had to brush them again.

Today must’ve been a lucky day because he only had to go through two rounds of flossing before his addled brain felt calmer and he knew that this ridiculous ritual had soothed his anxiety for now. He poured out a little mouthwash in the cap and swished it. The alcohol stung his inflamed gums but that was good because it meant they were clean. He hurriedly spat and swished the second time so he can move on with his life.

A ring brought his attention to his cell phone, which he hadn’t wiped down yet. Resigning himself to a thorough face and hand wash afterward, he answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Levi, I hope that you had time to wipe the phone down.”

“I didn’t so you’re going to have to wait.”

A sigh sounded from the other line before Levi heard the beep indicating the call was over. A knock on his door told him that Erwin was standing outside. He flung the door open with a scowl.

“You have to wait.”

“No, you are going to start your therapy today, and I’m taking the liberty of beginning it right now. Pocket the phone and let’s go; we’re going to be late.”

“Dammit, no! I have to wipe down the phone and wash my hands and my face.”

“Levi, now. I’ll let you check the doorknob if you come on.”

Levi felt his mind surge with anxiety at knowing his face and hands were contaminated. Erwin went to push Levi along, but Levi violently flinched away.

“Don’t touch me!” he screeched. “I’m so fucking dirty, don’t touch me or it’ll get on you, too.”

“Levi, I’m not going to die from touching your hands that touched your cell phone. It’s virtually impossible.”

“Virtually means it could happen.”

“I’m going to touch you and you’re going to check the doorknob and then walk out to the car and get in,” he punctuated this by gently grabbing Levi’s elbow and steering him to the door. Levi snatched a tiny bottle of sanitizer that sat on the entry table and quickly tapped the frame before Erwin slammed the door. He glared at Erwin then turned and jarred the doorknob. It was locked. He pulled his hand away and checked again. He checked it three more times and each time it was locked so _why the hell does he feel like he needs to check it four more times?!_ He checks. It’s always locked. Erwin stood by patiently waiting and trying not to smile at how aggravated Levi was getting. Finally Levi turned around and they head to the car but he glanced back and now he wasn’t 100% sure that it’s locked so he darted over and checked it again.

“Once you get in this car, you can’t check it again, so make sure,” Erwin called. Levi gulped and checked it again. But was that number a multiple of four? He back counted to see that it was only ten so he jarred it two more times with a finality that made him smile. His mind backed off with the knowledge that yes, the door was fucking locked.

They drove to the office that Erwin shares with Hanji and a few other doctors. Erwin was a general practice physician who saw all the patients that came in. He then referred them to see the various specialized doctors or other team members working within that practice based on their needs. Hanji was the resident psychiatrist, but she typically didn’t come in until later because she ran therapy groups at night, which Levi was forced to go to by both Erwin and Hanji. Levi wasn’t a doctor, but a Registered Dietician who came up with meal plans for people who had no idea how to feed themselves. He hated it, but it was the only job where everyone knew about and accepted his disorder and he was allowed mental health days if he needed them, provided he came in and saw Hanji in between her appointments. He could tell today would be especially taxing since he had left the house covered in bacteria. The thought made him squirt out a pearl of sanitizer on his hands and rub furiously.

\---

The day dragged on slowly and by the end of it, Levi realized that he’d used almost the entire bottle of the sanitizer. People seemed intent on shaking his hand today, and he casually used a copious amount after each time. When 5:30 rolled around, he walked over to the large multipurpose area where Hanji held her group therapy sessions. It wasn’t even therapy, in a sense, but a support group for people with various disorders, syndromes, and diseases to learn how to cope in the real world. Most people lived like Levi in terms of holding down a job and living on their own, but they sometimes just needed to talk to someone who understood what it was like to not fit society’s mold of normal. Levi was forced against his will to be there, as it was one of the terms of his contract working there.

He sat in his usual seat farthest away from Hanji and waited for everyone to file in slowly. It didn’t actually start until six, but most of the people showed up before then. He watched as everyone trickled in. Mina was first, and she seemed the most composed of everyone sometimes. She suffered from moderate anxiety that was mainly induced by social interactions. Levi could relatively identify with that because he hated social interactions, too. Every time someone spoke to him he practically wanted to punch them in the face, but that was a different story from being afraid, he supposed. Christa came in and smiled at Mina. She had selective mutism, which also was about social interactions and social anxiety. She rarely spoke to anyone, even Mina, but she had attained a level of comfort with everyone enough to make a second or two of eye contact in acknowledgement. Thomas came in with Gunther. Both had bipolar disorder, but Gunther was here more for the fact that he had akathisia, an extrapyramidal side effect caused by one of the antipsychotics he used to take. It causes him to constantly feel the need to move, and he typically paced around the room during group, rather than attempt to sit in a chair. Berthodlt filed in last, alerting his presence by blowing air through his nose. He suffered from a mild form of Tourette’s, where his tics included rapid, hard eye blinking, shrugging his shoulders, and blowing air through his nose that sort of sounded like he was about to laugh. Unfortunately, it made him seem like he was laughing at things people were saying, even if it wasn’t remotely funny. Even worse, he did it more when he was nervous or when people gave him bad news. Levi sort of wished he had an excuse for being an asshole like that, but Bert was so nice that he felt bad for thinking that way. They all were talking softly about their day when Hanji appeared. The first thing Levi noticed was the boy standing behind her. He was new, and new was not good for this group of people.

“Everyone! This is Eren, he’s going to be joining us today to see what group is like and decide if he wants to stay.”

Eren gave a feeble wave and all Levi could think about is how he wanted to bend this kid over the nearby desk and bang the absolute shit out of him.

 _Where the fuck did that come from?_ He thought, panicked. He’s always counted himself lucky that he’s never had the inappropriate sexual thoughts about people that some sufferers of OCD has.  A lot of the time, people who suffered from those thoughts had them about kids or their family members, which caused even more anxiety since they were terrified of acting upon those impulses. Levi always thought those people were a little nuts but here he was, turning into one of them.

God, looking at this kid, Levi knew he was in for it. A single glance at this kid had a million sexual thoughts searing through his head. Cuffing him to the bed and teasing him until he begged for mercy. Fucking him so hard into the mattress that the bed broke. Shoving his dick down this kid’s throat until he gagged and cried.

Levi looked away on the last one. That had actually happened to him and now he was wishing it on someone else and _what the fuck_?! He swallowed hard and felt the need to clean his hands, so he squirted out the last drop of Purell and rubbed his hands together so hard he thought they’d fall off. He noticed Eren look around the room and land his eyes on the open chair next to Levi. Hanji motioned to the chair and Eren hesitantly walked over it. He sat down and smiled at Levi, who felt his heart ram into his chest as more thoughts pour into his brain. He shook his head to try and clear them, noticing the kid’s faltering smile. The look on Levi’s face must have been brutal, because Eren shrank away and Levi figured that is for the best. He forced himself to look at Hanji and try to focus more on what she was saying rather than the adorable kid sitting next to him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear all the chapters won't be this boring. Four is his number if you didn't notice because it's my favorite number and it's even and lovely.
> 
>  
> 
> I changed it to past tense if anyone read the previous version. I think this will flow a lot better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. Eren's POV is even harder to write than Levi's. I might switch every chapter between Levi and Eren because both are really hard to write for different reasons. 
> 
> On a different note, I am SO grateful for the feedback about this fic. I hope to get similar feedback in the future, although admittedly my knowledge about PTSD is far less than OCD, and the resources just aren't as specific about PTSD because it's a much broader disorder. Please let me know if there are inaccuracies!

“Eren you have to go, this is ruining your life!”

“No it isn’t, Mikasa! You weren’t there so you don’t know what it was like!”

Mikasa huffed as she paced back and forth through the living room of the three bedroom apartment. Lately, she had been badgering Eren about going to see a psychiatrist. She had watched as her brother had slowly begun avoiding things that triggered his episodes until he was now to the point where he had no life. He went to class, his job at the library, and then came straight home. Trying to get Eren to leave for any other reason was virtually impossible, and Mikasa was worried that he would eventually stop leaving the house altogether.

“This isn’t very healthy, Eren,” Armin’s voice chimed in.

“I know it’s hard, Eren, but you really need to go see Dr. Zoe.”

“How do you even know what it’s like?” his voice exploded. “Were you there when Mom got shot in the head at point blank range while you were two feet away hiding in a fucking closet?!”

Eren ceased speaking when he heard the note of desperation in his voice. He avidly tried to wall the thoughts of that night from his head, but it was a struggle he hadn’t yet overcome. His anger welled up inside until he was shaking from holding it in. His vision tunneled to two pinpricks and he tried to take to slow, deep breaths to calm down.  Mikasa and Armin backed up a bit, since they knew Eren’s anger could be explosive on occasion.

“Alright. I’ll go see her,” he breathed out.

Mikasa turned and picked up the phone to call the number she’d found in the phone book.

“Hello, Smith Physician Group, how can I help you?”

“I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Zoe as soon as possible.”

“I’ll patch you through.”

The line rang twice before a cheery voice picked up.

“Dr. Zoe.”

“Hello, I am calling to see if you are available to take new patients?”

“Yes, I have a few spots that need filling.”

“Uh, well, my brother really needs to see you as soon as possible.”

“Is your brother an adult?”

“Yes.”

“Is he around?”

“Yes.”

“May I speak with him?”

Mikasa hesitantly pulled the phone from her ear and handed it toward Eren, who looked horrified at the thought of speaking to some unknown person on the phone.

“H-Hello?”

“Hi! Who am I speaking with?”

“Eren.”

“Hi, Eren. What day works best for you?”

“Uh, well I know you probably are busy, but today would be great, I guess.”

Armin smacked his hand to his head. Nobody ever made appointments with a new doctor and saw them the same day. It was usually months later.

“What time? I can move things around to fit your schedule, dear.”

“Um, is five o’clock okay?”

“That’s perfect, Eren! See you then!”

A soft click signaled that the phone had been hung up, and Eren handed it back to his sister.

“I can’t believe you got in on the same day.”

Eren shrugged and got up to go change his clothes from sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt to something more presentable.

\---

Eren pulled up to the office and turned off the car. His palms were a little sweaty at the thought of entering a building he had never been to before. Loud sounds were a definite possibility, and he didn’t know anyone in there. Before his anxiety won him over, he flung the car door open and padded up the stairs to the front door.

Inside, a pretty receptionist greeted him with a bright smile.

“Hello, how can I help you today?”

“I have an appointment with Dr. Zoe at 5.”

“Mr. Jaeger?”

He nodded and the receptionist handed him a packet of papers to fill out. He knew he should have gotten here earlier, but he had sat in the driveway for ten minutes before mustering up the courage to leave. Pulling the paperwork out of the manila envelope, he noticed it was a simple packet asking for the mundane details of his daily life. Name, address, medical and surgical history etc. He diligently filled it out while quietly laughing at some of the questions.

_Do you wish to talk to any of the following ancillary team members? (Circle)_

_-Social Worker_

_-Registered Dietician_

_-Physical Therapist_

_-Occupational Therapist_

Eren wasn’t really sure what any of these people did, but he assumed he didn’t need to talk to them. He filled out the remaining paperwork as best as he could, and then handed it back to Petra, the receptionist. She smiled brightly at him and asked him to have a seat while he waited for Dr. Zoe. After a few minutes, a nurse led him back to an exam room, where she took his height and weight before taking his vital signs.

“Um, do I really need to do all this? I’m just here to see the psychiatrist.”

“Well, we run everyone through these things just to make sure that your other systems are working fine and to catch things early. It’s just a precaution, don’t worry,” the nurse answered.

She pulled out a butterfly needle and drew two tubes of blood, then covered the puncture mark with a Scooby-Doo sticker which Eren suppressed a grin at. The nurse led Eren to a different waiting room that was less sterile and warmer than the previous one. Plush lavender couches lined the walls and mahogany tables were overflowing with recent magazines. He picked up one about extreme sports and started reading an article about wingsuit flying, which Eren thought looked too insane for any normal person to try. As he immersed himself in the article, the door flung opened and slammed against the wall with a loud crash. Eren threw the magazine across the room and screamed before covering his head with his arms and shaking.

“Eren? I’m sorry I tripped and hit the door. I’m Dr. Zoe.”

Eren peered out from his hands to see a woman with medium brown hair and thick taupe glasses looking down at him with a small smile. She held a hand out and Eren tentatively took it in his.

“Come on in and have a seat.”

She led him through the thick wooden doors to a luxurious office and motioned toward a large maroon chair. Eren sat on the edge of it and nervously glanced around.

“Eren, can you tell me why you’re here to see me?”

He swallowed and began telling her about how at age 17 he had watched his mother get shot by burglars while he was hiding in a nearby closet. His greatest memory of that experience was how loud the shot was, and as a consequence it lingered with him three years later. Loud banging noises caused him to replay that instant in his home over and over until he got it confused with reality. More than once he had dreamt of looking out from the crack of the closet door and seeing various faces in lieu of his mothers. Mikasa’s and Armin’s were the most common, but sometimes he peered through and saw his own face contort in terror before the screaming boom of the nightmarish shot woke him up. These nightmares plagued his sleep and he was to the point where he only managed a few hours of sleep before waking up in fear of having those dreams. Slamming doors, dropping heavy objects, and people screaming were all triggers for his hellish episodes. As a result of this, Eren had found a job at the public library up in the Medieval Nonfiction section. It was easily the quietest section in the library and had virtually no visitors except for students in History majors who mostly just poured over the books in silence.

In addition to avoiding loud sounds, Eren had become exponentially angrier and more irritable over the last three years. Any mention of his mother or the events leading up to her death caused Eren to violently lash out to the point where he now had very few friends. Strangers now scared him, since the killers had never been caught and he was convinced that they would come back for him even though he hadn’t been seen.

“Well, Eren. Here’s what we can do. You can come here every week and see me at this same time, if you’d like. We’ll talk about whatever you want to talk about and I’ll try to help you work through this. I think a lot of this is still sensitive because the incident is somewhat fresh. How does that sound?”

Eren nodded, glad he would only have to come once a week.

“I have a favor to ask as well. Right after your appointment I run a support group for people with a variety of disorders to help them manage living in a world that stigmatizes mental diseases. We meet for an hour and it’s a low pressure place where you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to. I really think you would benefit from attending. Do you think you’re up to it?”

“Um, I guess so, if I don’t have to talk.”

Dr. Zoe smiled and the two talked a little more about Eren’s past. He glanced up at the clock and noticed it was near six. Dr. Zoe stood up and led him down a hall to a room filled with six other people in it. He stayed behind Dr. Zoe as he watched these people analyze why he was intruding on their group. She introduced him and he waved lamely in an attempt to seem friendly. He saw a smaller guy with dark hair shoot him a look of disgust and then look away before squeezing out an exorbitant amount of hand sanitizer and furiously rubbing his hands. Dr. Zoe motioned to the empty chair beside the same guy and Eren reluctantly walked over to it. He smiled a little at the guy as he sat down, but the look on his face was scary enough to make Eren look away quickly and move away toward the other side of the chair. He decided to focus more on Dr. Zoe’s conversation with a girl named Mina than on this angry person next to him.

After half an hour, Dr. Zoe (who everyone called ‘Hanji’ so Eren figured he would, too) told everyone to take a break and get a snack or go to the bathroom. Eren didn’t need either, so he looked around the room at everyone. Against his will, his eyes roved over to his frightening neighbor, who met him with a sneer.

“What are you looking at?”

“Nothing!” Eren squeaked as he whipped his head over the clock and wished he had never agreed to come here in the first place. These kind of people were exactly the type of people to set him off, and he wasn’t about to do that in front of strangers. A cleared throat interrupted his thoughts.

“Uh, listen I’m just having a bad day.”

“It’s okay,” Eren mumbled.

“No, it’s not really. I’m Levi.”

“Eren.”

“Really? I didn’t know what your name was. It’s not like Hanji just told us like thirty minutes ago or anything.”

Eren turned to Levi and felt the corners of his mouth pull up into a small smile. Sarcasm was something he frequently dealt with from both Armin and Mikasa, and it was one of the few ways he could deal with people. The minute he smiled at Levi though, he saw Levi blink rapidly and look above Eren’s head before clearing his throat again. He was going to say something about Levi acting weird, but Hanji came back in and started a new discussion about dealing with anger. She pointedly looked at Eren and he figured he better actually listen to what she was saying.

Half an hour later, people were filing out and making quick conversation with Hanji before leaving. Eren stood up to leave, but he felt a hand quickly touch his arm and then retract. He turned to see Levi clenching his fists and looking away from him.

“Hey don’t take this the wrong way, but try not to sit next to me next week. It’s nothing personal, I promise, it’s just…personal.”

“What?” Eren looked confused and felt offended. He had literally said three words to this guy and now Levi didn’t want him to sit next to him? Was this Kindergarten? “I probably won’t come next week, anyway.”

“What? Why not?”

“Not my thing.”

“I think you should, it’s good for you. Not that I’m saying I know you or anything, I just mean that everyone seems to think it’s beneficial. Don’t let me ruin this for you.”

Eren could not have been more confused in his life. One minute, Levi acted like he has leprosy, the next minute he was dealing out sagely advice and Eren couldn’t keep up with this conversational whiplash. He scratched the back of his head and muttered a goodbye before racing past everyone. He heard Hanji yell about coming the same time next week and he held up a hand to indicate he’d heard. When he got to the car, he quietly shut the door and sped home before anyone had even exited the office.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. Not really. I edited all the previous chapters and this one a little, too, to try and reflect both conditions a little more accurately. It's not anything big, so you aren't missing anything if you don't go back and reread them.

“Hanji, I can’t get him out of my head.”

“It’s fine, Levi. It’s part of your disorder.”

“It’s _not_ fine! Every single thought that isn’t about cleaning is about that kid. I’m losing sleep over him.”

Hanji suppressed a grin and patted Levi on the head. She knew something had been bugging him lately, and he had finally told her four days after last week’s group. His…thoughts about Eren weren’t that extraordinary for someone with OCD, but she was surprised it had come on so abruptly.

“Don’t worry, he isn’t coming tonight anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Said he had to work. He came to his regular appointment, though.”

Levi made a noncommittal noise and looked away. He tried desperately to hide his disappointment behind his regularly-scheduled, apathetic expression. His brain was trying to conjure up images of Eren, but he had found that his mind had probably distorted Eren’s face a little since he hadn’t seen him for a week. Levi found himself half-listening to Hanji’s discussion as she led group and half-fantasizing about Eren striding through the door at any second. It didn’t happen.

After group, he trotted off to Erwin’s office and poked his head in.

“Are you ready or what?”

Erwin looked up and sighed. “In a minute, Levi. Sit down.”

Levi chose to stand near the threshold of the door, and didn’t touch anything. He eyed Erwin suspiciously as Erwin never held back in his office the way he was doing now. Usually, they drove to store and picked out things Levi needed before driving back to Levi’s apartment and dropping him off. It wasn’t that Levi couldn’t drive, per say, it was just that he was terrified of hitting a pedestrian. In an emergency, he could get where he needed to go and he had his own vehicle. Hanji had decided that it was best to try and conquer one thing at a time, so she and Erwin carted Levi around to wherever he needed to go. Now, Erwin was acting weird and out of character and Levi hated it.

“What’s your problem?”

“What problem?”

“I don’t know,” Levi snapped. “You tell me.”

“Levi, I don’t have a problem.”

“Are you tired of driving me around everywhere? Tired of doing this shit for me?”

It might have been because Erwin had had a bad day or it might have been because Levi had struck a chord that Erwin didn’t even know was present, but he abruptly stood up and slammed his hands on the table.

“Yes! Yes I am a little tired of doing these things, but I will still do them even if I don’t want to because it will help you get better! Now, will you please just be quiet and let me finish this damn paperwork so that we can get the hell out of here?!” his breathing was uneven from yelling and he looked up to see Levi’s eyes go from widened in shock to narrowed in anger.

“Actually, that’s fine. I’ll go to the store myself.”

With that, Levi turned around and rapidly tapped the door frame four times before bolting down the hallway. He heard Erwin calling his name and trying to catch up. Levi burst through the front door, hurriedly darted across the parking lot, and took off in the opposite direction of the store and his house. After a minute or so of running, he turned around to see Erwin’s car screaming out of the parking lot and take a left turn toward the store. Levi sighed and began walking toward the shopping center that he knew was nearby. It wasn’t his usual store, and he could feel the growing anxiety of entering a new store where he didn’t know where anything was. Or maybe it was because he didn’t tap the frame of the front door in his haste to get away from Erwin. Probably that one.

Levi continued on until he noticed the public library coming up on his right. He hadn’t read a book in a while, and reading always seemed to make him feel calmer, so he decided to head on in. Placing his hand on the frame, he lightly bounced his fingertips up and down eight times to make up for the door he missed earlier. He tried to hide his rituals in public because he didn’t want people to comment on them but some things had to be done no matter where he was. The library’s interior was quiet and relaxing, and Levi wished he could just delve into the books without a second thought. He walked up to the front desk and cleared his throat to catch the attention of the moron whose back was to him. The person turned around and Levi was caught between a noise of surprise and laughter. A strange grunt came out and Eren looked at him oddly before giving Levi a weak smile.

“Uh, hey Levi. I didn’t expect to see you in here.”

Levi turned around and closed his eyes forcefully. He had forgotten how fucking bright Eren’s eyes were, and the face he had created in his mind was absolute trash compared to the original standing before him. A slew of perverse thoughts danced their way around his mind, but he took a deep breath and walled them off as best as he could. He turned back to Eren with a strained expression and tried not to make direct eye contact.

“Recommend a book for me, right now.”

“What?”

“You heard what I said.”

“Um, what do you like to read?”

“It doesn’t even matter. What are you reading?”

“Um, this book, actually.”

Eren went to hand the tome to Levi, but Levi stepped back and grabbed the hand sanitizer out of his pocket. A look of confusion flashed over Eren’s face, and he retracted the book back to his chest.

“Do you know how many people have touched that book?” Levi asked indignantly.

“Yeah, just me. It’s _my_ book.”

“What?”

“I was going to give you my book. I just finished reading it today.”

“No one else has touched it?”

“No. I bought it, and it was in my backpack when I wasn’t reading it.”

Levi weighed the options of touching the book versus not touching the book. He sighed and asked Eren to wipe it down before giving it to him.

“I’m not sick or anything,” he muttered as he obediently wiped the book’s dust jacket with a paper towel.  He tossed the towel in the trash can and carefully removed the clear dust jacket before he handed Levi the book. Levi put the book in his bag and looked back at Eren.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Obviously I did,” Eren said, a little annoyed.

“I can’t help that I have OCD,” Levi snapped back. He realized his mistake a second too late, and he turned around and tried to dart out of a building for the second time that day. Eren must’ve been much nimbler than Erwin, though, because he ran ahead of Levi and blocked the door. Levi noticed Eren took extra care not to touch him, and he was grateful for that.

“I’m sorry, I-I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine,” Levi mumbled.

“I have PTSD,” Eren blurted out. “O-Or that’s what my old doctor said. I watched my Mom get shot and now loud noises and screaming freak me out.”

Levi looked at Eren and tried to conceal the shattered expression his face wanted to make. Here he was with this ridiculous disorder that was brought on by something stupid and Eren had witnessed real tragedy and was struggling to overcome it. 

“Is that why you work here?”

Eren nodded and chewed his lower lip.

“Why did you skip group?”

“Annie was sick so my manager asked if I could come in after my appointment with Dr. Zoe.”

Levi’s phone suddenly rang and he scrambled to silence it before it disturbed the tranquil atmosphere of the library. He saw Erwin’s name flash, but chose to ignore it.

“When does your shift end?”

“The library closes at eight and then I have to clean for like a half hour afterwards.”

“Are you busy after that? I kind of have a favor to ask. Feel free to say no and I swear you will not hurt my feelings. Don’t feel obligated to say yes.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Can you drive me to the store?”

Eren had expected something so much more serious that he let out a noise at Levi’s question. He slapped his hands over his mouth as a bark of laughter escaped and echoed off of the vaulted ceilings. Levi scowled in confusion and turned to leave when Eren grabbed his arm out of instinct. Levi tensed up and Eren’s hand practically flew off of him.

“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! My hands are clean, I promise!”

“I know they’re probably not but I just don’t get touched a lot so it’s weird.”

“I’ll take you to the store but you have to wait until around 8:30. Is that okay?”

Levi checked his watch and noticed he’d have to wait about an hour. He grabbed the book out of his bag and opened it. Eren led him over behind the front desk and wiped off a plastic chair for Levi to sit in. He turned around to see Levi’s amused face looking back and forth from Eren to the chair, and Eren felt his cheeks heat up at the ghost of a smile. After Levi sat down and began reading, Eren started up his cleaning routine so he could get out of there sooner. Not too many people visited the library after 7:30 on a weekday, so Eren could leave right at 8 if no one was left and the cleaning was done.

Levi pretended to read his book while Eren was watching, but the second Eren turned around to wipe the top of the desk, Levi was raking his eyes over Eren’s backside. Could the boy have a better posterior? He didn’t think it was possible. Eren bent down to grab a bottle of Windex and Levi almost had a heart attack. He snapped his head the other direction and willed his tightening pants to loosen back up. The dirty thoughts broke free of the wall he had hidden them behind and raced around his mind. Positions he had never even thought of were springing up in his head and he was seriously struggling to maintain composure. His hands dug into the side of the book and he had to remember not to rip it in half. He forced his head to look at the book and willed his eyes to read the words. Eren stood up straight and walked off toward the back room to get something and Levi seized the opportunity to fix himself to avoid embarrassment.

\---

An hour later, Eren finished with the cleaning and waved goodbye to his manager. He trotted over to Levi, who had slumped back in the chair and fallen asleep about twenty minutes ago. The book was lying over his chest and his neck was crooked at an uncomfortable angle. Eren debated shaking Levi to wake him up or yelling. He placed his hand over Levi’s shoulder and jerked it quickly before yanking it back.

“Levi.”

He didn’t move.

“Levi!”

Levi shot up and nearly threw the book at Eren’s face before he realized where he was. He looked around wildly until his eyes met Eren’s and Eren swore he saw a faint blush creep over Levi’s cheeks before it was replaced with a scowl once he was fully awake.

“You didn’t have to shout,” he grumbled.

Eren chuckled and walked toward the front door while Levi trailed behind trying to rub the last bits of sleep from his eyes. They got to Eren’s car and he turned around nervously to face Levi.

“Um, do you have to do anything before you get in here?”

“No,” Levi snapped harshly. Eren recoiled from the acid in his voice and quickly unlocked the doors. He started the car once both were in and Levi gave him directions to the store nearest his house. They drove in silence and Eren gripped the steering wheel nervously. He glanced over at Levi and saw the man staring out the window blankly.

“Are you okay? You seem sad.”

“I’m not,” Levi retorted defensively.

“Okay,” Eren backed off and continued following the curt directions he was given. They pulled into the parking lot and Levi practically jumped out of the car. He unrolled a slip of paper and trudged into the store with Eren scrambling to keep up.

They walked down every aisle as Levi compared prices and debated on things he wanted vs. things he needed. Eren never complained, he simply followed behind and occasionally grabbed a random thing he felt he needed at home.  Levi watched him out of the corner of his eye and waited for Eren to show the slightest bit of impatience. When he didn’t, Levi began to get irrationally annoyed.

“Aren’t you sick of this?”

“Sick of what?” Eren scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion.

“Sick of being in this store?”

“No, you aren’t finished.”

“That wasn’t what I asked. Don’t you wish you hadn’t offered?”

“I mean, if I hadn’t I would only be at home watching TV or eating something.”

“So you only did this because you had nothing better to do,” Levi quipped.

“Are you trying to bait me into answering trick questions?” Eren said incredulously. He never thought Levi would be so petty, and apparently Levi didn’t think so either, because he frowned and scratched the back of his head.

“I don’t know. It’s been a weird day,” he muttered embarrassedly. They walked over to the checkout line and Levi roughly grabbed the items out of Eren’s hands. He sat everything on the conveyor belt and scooted forward to pay the cashier after she rung them. Eren made a move to get his wallet out, but a stern look from Levi shut him down. He grabbed up the majority of the bags and followed Levi out to the car.

“Thanks for getting my stuff.”

Levi grunted in response and directed Eren to his apartment. It was about five minutes from the store so they found themselves pulling into the parking lot sooner than Eren thought. He popped the trunk, helped Levi gather the bags and carried them to the apartment. Levi unlocked the door and tapped the frame his usual four times. He reached around the frame and flicked the lights four times with a growl of frustration. The light bulb flickered and then burnt out and he exhaled sharply through his nose. He turned around to Eren with a glower.

“You can go now.”

“No, I’ll get the light bulb for you while you put away your groceries,” Eren said innocently. He calmly reached over to the industrial size hand sanitizer and pumped a bit into his palm before rubbing his hands together. Levi sighed before walking into the kitchen and flicking the lights in there, too. Eren waited for that bulb to burn out as well, but was a little disappointed when it didn’t. He reached into the bag and pulled out the economy pack of LED bulbs. He stretched up to the ceiling fan and pulled off the light cover before unscrewing the bulb. Wondering how the hell Levi did this since he was so short, he replaced the bulb and then the cover. He noticed Levi leaning against the kitchen frame and eyeing him appreciatively.

“Thanks.”

“It’s no problem. Do you need help putting anything away?”

Levi shook his head and walked over to Eren. He made a move to ruffle the taller boy’s hair but instead stopped and stared at him. Eren squirmed under the stare and looked around Levi’s immaculate apartment. He could smell bleach and a faint hint of cinnamon from somewhere.      

“You should go home, it’s late.”

Eren nodded and turned toward the door. Levi reached around him and pulled it open before Eren could touch the doorknob. Eren smiled back at him.

“See you next week, Levi.”

“So you’re coming, then. For sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. See you next week.”


End file.
